Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day. It Blows.

I was all set to do a blog about the evils of Valentine’s day. And how I despise it. But in actuality, I don’t. I think it’s the most adorable holiday we celebrate, next to my birthday. I love love. I love the idea of love. I think phone calls for no reason but to say hi are so cute. But I don’t get those. As a matter of fact, I’ve never gotten one of those. I’ve gotten phone calls in the middle of the night for. . . but I digress.

At my age, Its difficult to say exactly why it is I’m still single. I mean, I have my theories that I’ll get into shortly, but there is no one concrete reason why I’m alone on this day. I mean, if I were to give it a logical, well thought out reason, I’d say I’m not ready for the love I think I deserve. Because everything we do is a test or trial to gauge what you will put up with. That guy that was soooo adorable, but had a bad attitude and a small penis? Yeah, either one or the other. You can’t have both. The one that was so sensitive that you preferred action films to his chick flicks? Nah. Can’t do that, either. We’re all looking for the “perfect verse over a tight beat.” But if we found it, what would we do with it?

And its not as if I’ve never been in love. I have. At least, I think I have. But then you hear things like, Love won’t make you cry. Or, real love lasts forever. I’ve been in love and cried before. And I’ve been in love and it didn’t last forever. But I did learn lessons from both. And love does make you cry sometimes. When you’re really in love, you have to learn that compromise is important. Its not always going to go your way. Not saying that your feelings aren’t important, because they are. But you have someone else’s feelings to consider now as well.

The types of  tears that come with love come from our own insecurities. Our own ways of one sided thinking. Our own need to control situations. Not from our partner taking advantage of us, abusing us, cheating on us. Because that’s not love. Those types of things don’t happen when you have love. With love, comes respect. When you give a piece of your heart to someone, you expect them to protect it. And you do the same. You don’t hurt them because you know how. You protect them. BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW.

Anyway, back to the other (read: comical) reasons as to why I’m single. I subscribe to the school of thought that men like women with issues. The more issues the better. As long as said issues won’t get him shot at. But depending on how good her head skills are, some men are willing to evaluate that on a case by case basis. Issues can include, but are not limited to:

1)      A woman with daddy issues.
2)      A woman with a prison record
3)      A woman with missing teeth
4)      Drug problems
5)      A lot of children
6)      A woman that has made welfare a career.

I’m none of the above.

What I am though, is what would be considered a real Man’s Woman. I grew up around all boys. I like tattoos, beer, basketball, and boxing. I’m well versed in talking shit. I speak my mind, but I have a caring thoughtful side as well. I prefer to hang with the guys than giggle with the girls. Guys conversations are way more exciting. And I like to indulge in girl talk online. The main problem I have is that I meet men that are already otherwise attached in some way. And we hit it off.

Then he remembers that he has a girlfriend. And reality sets in. I mean,  Don’t get me wrong. They all love the one they’re with, but all of a sudden there’s an option. All they have at home, plus the parts she’s missing. Its like well, she almost has everything. and nothing better has come along. then they meet me. with my one child, good job, own teeth, and ample backside. Once they know that I'm available, they fall in love with my wit, stinging yet appropriate sarcasm, and the fact that I don't have a gag reflex. Then they remember her. She's been there. She's down for whatever. She even considered a threesome for his birthday, once. And its comfortable with her. With me, they're starting something totally new. And although I'm all those things she's not, what if I'm not quite what they need all around? So they stay with her. And I'm over here deep throating bananas and Corona bottles just to keep my skills up.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

People are crazy

So last night, I was fininshing up some work. At 12:50, some lunatic crazy black man knocked on my door. The Chaiken went ape shit crazy, and I damn near peed my pants. This nut knocked on my door to tell me he ran out of gas. Now at 12:50 AM, I had no business being up anyway. I was actually on my way to bed. He scared the living shit out of me. I peeked at the door and got mad. How dare you knock on my damn door. What in the hell is your problem? And furthermore, do you expect me to open it for you? I guess I watch too much Discovery ID, because all I could think of was who would be my voice in the episode about my death. Then, I got mad. The ghost of Bernie Mac entered my body. A barrage of profanity came streaming out of my mouth. Not like that's different from any other day, this was special. It was like that scene out of Soul Men. You know the one, Where Bernie Mac called Samuel L. Jackson a "Possum faced Motha Fuuucka"? I think I said everything BUT that. Well, my scary ass called Keira, my BFF, and then the PoPo. Because Keira could get to me from Arizona before the police could.  Well anyway, after I stopped shaking, about two hours later, I was able to drift off to sleep.

But this blog isnt about my near death experience, its about my weight. And I am happy to announce that I am down 7 pounds! But my fat ass wanted to celebrate by going to Popeyes... I didnt though. I did good. I had a big huge salad! YAY ME!

Now run and tell that... home BOY!