Friday, June 17, 2016

On A Scale of Kim Kardashian to Mother Theresa, I'm about a Joan Clayton

My friends tease me and say things like "Your heart lives in your vagina." or, "You weren't born with the hoe gene." And they're absolutely right. I have no desire to have sex with anyone other than the person I'm with. No shade to girls who have that type of attitude towards sex. Rock out with your cock out, literally. That's just not for me. I love love. I've said so before in my Valentine's Day blog. I really do. I love being in a relationship. I love text messages in the middle of the day about nothing. Sending goofy pictures to each other that we find sprinkled with serious articles, political talk, new restaurants we want to try, and everything else in between. It's just who I am. 

Let me explain about the hoe gene. Like I said, my friends said I was born without it. I think I have one, but it only works in certain situations. In relationships, I'm all in. What chu wanna do? Cool! LOL! I have no limits when I'm with someone. I think it comes from having a degree of trust. For instance, can you name how many people you've told the nastiest, dirtiest, hoeish shit you've ever done with someone? Probably a select few, because either you don't want judgement, or your friends have a certain perception of you already, right? Or it could be because you don't want everyone knowing why you got that nigga nose busted. Whatever your reason, it all boils down to trust. 

I'm slow to trust in relationships, so I often second guess myself. I tend to open up when I feel connected to someone. I mean, you can be physically attracted to someone from the first time you see them. I like to say I don't have a type. My friends will definitely agree. I've dated all types physically. But only one attribute really makes me open... things. I am absolutely weak for an intelligent man. Goodness. Just the thought of someone that can stimulate my mind stimulates my body. Guess you can say I'm a true sapiosexual. If all you want is the physical and can build from there, more power to you. It's not just my heart that lives in my vagina. My brain may have some space there, too.

Sounds odd, right? Not really. You can only be attracted to physical for so long. My granny used to say, "Marry someone you can talk to because his dick ain't gone work forever."  She was... a lot. Granted, it's what causes the initial attraction, but do you really want something long term with a nigga that can only recite Migos lyrics and has no clue who Warsan Shire is? Someone who thinks of art more along the lines of Frida Khalo or Basquiat, not the neighborhood tattoo guy. Not saying that he's not talented, but expand your mind to more than just the 5 block radius in which you grew up. 

"But Ebs, you don't like a fine nigga?" Is probably what you're thinking. Yeah, I do. But I've been with fine niggas before. I haven ever been so violent in my life. I almost beat the girl up at Popeye's for flirting with him in the drive thru. No, bitch. we don't need any more sauce!  But I always say ugly is subjective. To one person, I may look like a foot, but to another, I'm the most beautifullest thing in this world. I look for beauty in other places. My friends laugh at me all the time because of the choices I make. Short, tall, fat, skinny. If I like you, I like you. 

I remember I met this guy once. Easy on the eyes, good job, loved kids and his mama. We actually had fun together. We did stuff like movies, bowling, shooting pool, etc. Physically he was on it! This was around the time of President Obama's second election. He called me to see what I was up to and I was watching the debate. He said "Ugh, call me back after that bullshit. I don't even know who's running." 

When I tell you my vagina turned into a spiky, angry cactus? It was so promising! We hadn't gotten physical yet because of various reasons. One being I was fresh out of a relationship and was really trying to make better decisions with my DreamCatcher. (Yes, that's her name. Fight me.) I could not believe what I was hearing. I was so sad in that moment. Then I got mad. Like Tyra got mad at Tiffany on ANTM. "I WAS REALLY ROOTING FOR YOU!  I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU HEAD AND EVERYTHING!!!"

I'm dating now. It's interesting, especially because I'm in a new/old city. We have lots of fun together. I'm letting go of my control issues with food and allowing someone else to pick the restaurant. He's done a good job so far. Oh, hush. Y'all know I love to eat. Going out with him is funny because he's so calm and even keeled. Me? I'm an animated wild card. I'm super loud and opinionated Probably because I drink way too much coffee and only sleep 4 hours a night. He keeps asking me out and I keep going, so he must like me or something. That, or he's paying penance for being a murderous dictator in his former life.

It's okay if you don't like someone. It's also okay if you do. Just make sure your intentions are pure when you put yourself out there. Like attracts like. Be the type of person that you want to be around.Your life is a journey of experiences. Do it for the story! There's always a story. 


  1. There certainly is ALWAYS a story- one of the best things about dating/relationships are the adventures (and misadventures). Every date, phone call, text- every interaction weaves the fabric of the courtship. Sometimes you get a dope ass afghan- other times you get a shitty potholder. But they both have a story attached to them....

  2. Shitty potholder. I think I have a drawer full of those.