Valentine's Day. It Blows.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

People are crazy

So last night, I was fininshing up some work. At 12:50, some lunatic crazy black man knocked on my door. The Chaiken went ape shit crazy, and I damn near peed my pants. This nut knocked on my door to tell me he ran out of gas. Now at 12:50 AM, I had no business being up anyway. I was actually on my way to bed. He scared the living shit out of me. I peeked at the door and got mad. How dare you knock on my damn door. What in the hell is your problem? And furthermore, do you expect me to open it for you? I guess I watch too much Discovery ID, because all I could think of was who would be my voice in the episode about my death. Then, I got mad. The ghost of Bernie Mac entered my body. A barrage of profanity came streaming out of my mouth. Not like that's different from any other day, this was special. It was like that scene out of Soul Men. You know the one, Where Bernie Mac called Samuel L. Jackson a "Possum faced Motha Fuuucka"? I think I said everything BUT that. Well, my scary ass called Keira, my BFF, and then the PoPo. Because Keira could get to me from Arizona before the police could.  Well anyway, after I stopped shaking, about two hours later, I was able to drift off to sleep.

But this blog isnt about my near death experience, its about my weight. And I am happy to announce that I am down 7 pounds! But my fat ass wanted to celebrate by going to Popeyes... I didnt though. I did good. I had a big huge salad! YAY ME!

Now run and tell that... home BOY!

Jillian Michaels is a demon, and I can prove it.

Currently playing: Lucifer, by Jay-Z and Fuck You, By Ceelo Green.

Ok, so maybe I fell off the wagon a little bit. And maybe I haven’t been eating as healthy as I could have been. And maybe, just maybe I’ve slacked off on my workouts some. Still, there is no reason for Jillian Michaels to be as evil as she is.

I bought her 30 Day Shred DVD last night because I know I haven’t been on my game like I had been in the first week of my diet. I weighed myself yesterday, and I discovered I gained 4 pounds. This did not please me in any way. I was depressed for the rest of the night. But, it was the kick in the pants I needed to get back on the ball. So I got up this morning, and popped the DVD in. From the moment the camera got on her, I didn’t like the look in her eyes. It was slightly demonic. I could tell my ass would soon be grass. Now don’t get me wrong, it was exactly what I needed. But why, Jesus? Why? And it didn’t help that the entire time my stomach was moving. What part of the game is that? My stomach doesn’t move. Last time I had a belly, there was a baby in it.

Now, on to my proof abut Jillian. I mean, you could see the elation in her face as she was sending me through a series of various cardio exercises. She looked a little too happy. I can only think of one cardio activity that makes me giddy, and believe me, crunches are not involved. She liked it too much.  But I guess the overall goal is to help me get fit, and eventually enjoy exercising as much as her evil ass does. Grr. I’ll be on it again tomorrow. Bitch.

Fat Girls Finish Last... Because they're out of breath.

I was told I looked skinnier today. My inner bitch said, “Ya damn right, I do!” But the insecure me, the part that still doesn’t think I can do it, almost started to cry. I mean, I’m not what would be considered obese, but in my mind’s eye, I’m a whale.  I have to admit though, it’s getting easier. I’m nowhere near as hungry as I was on Monday, and its only Thursday.  Looks as if I’m averaging about 1333 calories per day. Which is less than my 1500 to lose a pound a week without exercise. And I’ll be perfectly honest with you, writing down everything I eat does help. I find myself doing calculations in my head… lol! It’s hilarious. I’m making smarter choices. And I have to give a shout out to Fresh & Easy. They’ve made it easier for me to make better choices. They have an entire line of ready-made salads and low calorie meals that actually taste good!

The one thing I need to learn to do is to make sure I’m getting enough protein. Lack of protein is what makes you hungry. I also want to point out that my only “Low Calorie” meals are my lunches. I eat regular stuff for breakfast and dinner. I have made some modifications. Instead of regular milk, I got almond milk. It only has 90 calories in a 1 cup serving. I have the vanilla flavored, I like the taste a lot better than the regular.

Oh, my calorie count for the past two days? Tuesday it was 1426, Wednesday it was 1376. Once I complete the week, I’ll post a copy of my spreadsheet so you all can see exactly what I’m eating.

I just realized this post isn’t as snarky as usual… lol. It’s in me, but I think the snarky me is pissed because she’s hungry. Oh well, build a bridge and get over it, I say.

Why Can't Cookies Be Low Calorie?

That is what I will ask Jesus when I make it to heaven. I mean, they’re soft, chewy, and perfect little balls of baked awesomeness. Why can’t they also be good for you?

So anyway, I worked out last night. I did 30 minutes of cardio on my Xbox Kinect Dance Central game. And before you laugh at me, that workout kicked my butt! You’re literally dancing. Not like dancing like you do at the club, all cute trying not to sweat, but dancing like you’re a student in Fame or Glee or something. The cool thing is the game has a workout mode, so it counts how many calories you burned while you’re going. The only complaint I have is the fact that there isn’t like a set workout. It still goes from song to song, which is cool, but it would be so much better if there was a way to set how long you wanted to work out, and it just take you through various high energy songs on the play list. Other than that, it was a serious workout and I was sweating like a sinner in church. I was going to try P90X, but I’m still a beginner in this game called getting fit. Baby Steps. I’ll get there, give me some time.

Total Calories for 1/3/11: 1216

Yes, I’m well on my way J. Á Demain.  

Day One.

Let’s face it. I’m freaking hungry. It’s 2:27PM, and I’m already 721 calories into a 1500 calorie a day diet. I have to learn how to spread this out more. I mean, I feel like I’ve been doing the right thing… I gave up coffee, (If you call a Grande Soy Upside down Caramel Machiatto  with extra caramel sauce coffee. Some call it liquid sugar), and I’ve been counting every single calorie today. Something’s gotta give. The day started out so promising too.  Had a bowl of Cinnamon Life cereal with Almond Milk. It was delicious! Even though one serving is ¾ of a cup. Like who eats ¾’s of a cup of cereal? Under any normal circumstance, I’d pour until the bowl was full. Then splash on the milk. But doing the right thing is a bit more difficult when you put forth the effort. I’m plugging through, although a part of me wants to unhinge my jaw and just start shoveling things in my mouth. I will show restraint. Under normal circumstances, that would deserve a cookie. But I’ll be good. . . Today.

The only thing that would make this day better is either sex, or shoes... Guess I'm going to the mall.

First. Blog. Ever.

I decided to blog 2011. It's something I've been toying around with for a while. I mean, I'm pretty funny, and not just to myself. People actually laugh at things I say. But I want my blog to be serious. I need to lose 20 pounds. And I want you to come on my journey with me. Do you have to lose weight too? Nah. Audience participation isn't required. Unless you want to. My plan for this year is to drop this 20 pounds, firm up the jiggly spots, share my strange dates with you. And I do have strange dates. The sub-plan for this year is to get past the first date, more on that later. Oh, and to show you my shoes. Shoes I want, shoes I can't afford, shoes I wish I never had... you know, girl shit. And I do say shit... a lot. Thank you for joining me. This is gonna be fun :)