Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day. It Blows.

I was all set to do a blog about the evils of Valentine’s day. And how I despise it. But in actuality, I don’t. I think it’s the most adorable holiday we celebrate, next to my birthday. I love love. I love the idea of love. I think phone calls for no reason but to say hi are so cute. But I don’t get those. As a matter of fact, I’ve never gotten one of those. I’ve gotten phone calls in the middle of the night for. . . but I digress.

At my age, Its difficult to say exactly why it is I’m still single. I mean, I have my theories that I’ll get into shortly, but there is no one concrete reason why I’m alone on this day. I mean, if I were to give it a logical, well thought out reason, I’d say I’m not ready for the love I think I deserve. Because everything we do is a test or trial to gauge what you will put up with. That guy that was soooo adorable, but had a bad attitude and a small penis? Yeah, either one or the other. You can’t have both. The one that was so sensitive that you preferred action films to his chick flicks? Nah. Can’t do that, either. We’re all looking for the “perfect verse over a tight beat.” But if we found it, what would we do with it?

And its not as if I’ve never been in love. I have. At least, I think I have. But then you hear things like, Love won’t make you cry. Or, real love lasts forever. I’ve been in love and cried before. And I’ve been in love and it didn’t last forever. But I did learn lessons from both. And love does make you cry sometimes. When you’re really in love, you have to learn that compromise is important. Its not always going to go your way. Not saying that your feelings aren’t important, because they are. But you have someone else’s feelings to consider now as well.

The types of  tears that come with love come from our own insecurities. Our own ways of one sided thinking. Our own need to control situations. Not from our partner taking advantage of us, abusing us, cheating on us. Because that’s not love. Those types of things don’t happen when you have love. With love, comes respect. When you give a piece of your heart to someone, you expect them to protect it. And you do the same. You don’t hurt them because you know how. You protect them. BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW.

Anyway, back to the other (read: comical) reasons as to why I’m single. I subscribe to the school of thought that men like women with issues. The more issues the better. As long as said issues won’t get him shot at. But depending on how good her head skills are, some men are willing to evaluate that on a case by case basis. Issues can include, but are not limited to:

1)      A woman with daddy issues.
2)      A woman with a prison record
3)      A woman with missing teeth
4)      Drug problems
5)      A lot of children
6)      A woman that has made welfare a career.

I’m none of the above.

What I am though, is what would be considered a real Man’s Woman. I grew up around all boys. I like tattoos, beer, basketball, and boxing. I’m well versed in talking shit. I speak my mind, but I have a caring thoughtful side as well. I prefer to hang with the guys than giggle with the girls. Guys conversations are way more exciting. And I like to indulge in girl talk online. The main problem I have is that I meet men that are already otherwise attached in some way. And we hit it off.

Then he remembers that he has a girlfriend. And reality sets in. I mean,  Don’t get me wrong. They all love the one they’re with, but all of a sudden there’s an option. All they have at home, plus the parts she’s missing. Its like well, she almost has everything. and nothing better has come along. then they meet me. with my one child, good job, own teeth, and ample backside. Once they know that I'm available, they fall in love with my wit, stinging yet appropriate sarcasm, and the fact that I don't have a gag reflex. Then they remember her. She's been there. She's down for whatever. She even considered a threesome for his birthday, once. And its comfortable with her. With me, they're starting something totally new. And although I'm all those things she's not, what if I'm not quite what they need all around? So they stay with her. And I'm over here deep throating bananas and Corona bottles just to keep my skills up.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

People are crazy

So last night, I was fininshing up some work. At 12:50, some lunatic crazy black man knocked on my door. The Chaiken went ape shit crazy, and I damn near peed my pants. This nut knocked on my door to tell me he ran out of gas. Now at 12:50 AM, I had no business being up anyway. I was actually on my way to bed. He scared the living shit out of me. I peeked at the door and got mad. How dare you knock on my damn door. What in the hell is your problem? And furthermore, do you expect me to open it for you? I guess I watch too much Discovery ID, because all I could think of was who would be my voice in the episode about my death. Then, I got mad. The ghost of Bernie Mac entered my body. A barrage of profanity came streaming out of my mouth. Not like that's different from any other day, this was special. It was like that scene out of Soul Men. You know the one, Where Bernie Mac called Samuel L. Jackson a "Possum faced Motha Fuuucka"? I think I said everything BUT that. Well, my scary ass called Keira, my BFF, and then the PoPo. Because Keira could get to me from Arizona before the police could.  Well anyway, after I stopped shaking, about two hours later, I was able to drift off to sleep.

But this blog isnt about my near death experience, its about my weight. And I am happy to announce that I am down 7 pounds! But my fat ass wanted to celebrate by going to Popeyes... I didnt though. I did good. I had a big huge salad! YAY ME!

Now run and tell that... home BOY!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Jillian Michaels is a demon, and I can prove it.

Currently playing: Lucifer, by Jay-Z and Fuck You, By Ceelo Green.

Ok, so maybe I fell off the wagon a little bit. And maybe I haven’t been eating as healthy as I could have been. And maybe, just maybe I’ve slacked off on my workouts some. Still, there is no reason for Jillian Michaels to be as evil as she is.

I bought her 30 Day Shred DVD last night because I know I haven’t been on my game like I had been in the first week of my diet. I weighed myself yesterday, and I discovered I gained 4 pounds. This did not please me in any way. I was depressed for the rest of the night. But, it was the kick in the pants I needed to get back on the ball. So I got up this morning, and popped the DVD in. From the moment the camera got on her, I didn’t like the look in her eyes. It was slightly demonic. I could tell my ass would soon be grass. Now don’t get me wrong, it was exactly what I needed. But why, Jesus? Why? And it didn’t help that the entire time my stomach was moving. What part of the game is that? My stomach doesn’t move. Last time I had a belly, there was a baby in it.

Now, on to my proof abut Jillian. I mean, you could see the elation in her face as she was sending me through a series of various cardio exercises. She looked a little too happy. I can only think of one cardio activity that makes me giddy, and believe me, crunches are not involved. She liked it too much.  But I guess the overall goal is to help me get fit, and eventually enjoy exercising as much as her evil ass does. Grr. I’ll be on it again tomorrow. Bitch.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Fat Girls Finish Last... Because they're out of breath.

was told I looked skinnier today. My inner bitch said, “Ya damn right, I do!” But the insecure me, the part that still doesn’t think I can do it, almost started to cry. I mean, I’m not what would be considered obese, but in my mind’s eye, I’m a whale.  I have to admit though, it’s getting easier. I’m nowhere near as hungry as I was on Monday, and its only Thursday.  Looks as if I’m averaging about 1333 calories per day. Which is less than my 1500 to lose a pound a week without exercise. And I’ll be perfectly honest with you, writing down everything I eat does help. I find myself doing calculations in my head… lol! It’s hilarious. I’m making smarter choices. And I have to give a shout out to Fresh & Easy. They’ve made it easier for me to make better choices. They have an entire line of ready-made salads and low calorie meals that actually taste good!

The one thing I need to learn to do is to make sure I’m getting enough protein. Lack of protein is what makes you hungry. I also want to point out that my only “Low Calorie” meals are my lunches. I eat regular stuff for breakfast and dinner. I have made some modifications. Instead of regular milk, I got almond milk. It only has 90 calories in a 1 cup serving. I have the vanilla flavored, I like the taste a lot better than the regular.

Oh, my calorie count for the past two days? Tuesday it was 1426, Wednesday it was 1376. Once I complete the week, I’ll post a copy of my spreadsheet so you all can see exactly what I’m eating.

I just realized this post isn’t as snarky as usual… lol. It’s in me, but I think the snarky me is pissed because she’s hungry. Oh well, build a bridge and get over it, I say.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Why Can't Cookies Be Low Calorie?

That is what I will ask Jesus when I make it to heaven. I mean, they’re soft, chewy, and perfect little balls of baked awesomeness. Why can’t they also be good for you?

So anyway, I worked out last night. I did 30 minutes of cardio on my Xbox Kinect Dance Central game. And before you laugh at me, that workout kicked my butt! You’re literally dancing. Not like dancing like you do at the club, all cute trying not to sweat, but dancing like you’re a student in Fame or Glee or something. The cool thing is the game has a workout mode, so it counts how many calories you burned while you’re going. The only complaint I have is the fact that there isn’t like a set workout. It still goes from song to song, which is cool, but it would be so much better if there was a way to set how long you wanted to work out, and it just take you through various high energy songs on the play list. Other than that, it was a serious workout and I was sweating like a sinner in church. I was going to try P90X, but I’m still a beginner in this game called getting fit. Baby Steps. I’ll get there, give me some time.

Total Calories for 1/3/11: 1216

Yes, I’m well on my way J. Á Demain.  

Monday, January 3, 2011

Day One.

Let’s face it. I’m freaking hungry. It’s 2:27PM, and I’m already 721 calories into a 1500 calorie a day diet. I have to learn how to spread this out more. I mean, I feel like I’ve been doing the right thing… I gave up coffee, (If you call a Grande Soy Upside down Caramel Machiatto  with extra caramel sauce coffee. Some call it liquid sugar), and I’ve been counting every single calorie today. Something’s gotta give. The day started out so promising too.  Had a bowl of Cinnamon Life cereal with Almond Milk. It was delicious! Even though one serving is ¾ of a cup. Like who eats ¾’s of a cup of cereal? Under any normal circumstance, I’d pour until the bowl was full. Then splash on the milk. But doing the right thing is a bit more difficult when you put forth the effort. I’m plugging through, although a part of me wants to unhinge my jaw and just start shoveling things in my mouth. I will show restraint. Under normal circumstances, that would deserve a cookie. But I’ll be good. . . Today.

The only thing that would make this day better is either sex, or shoes... Guess I'm going to the mall.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

First. Blog. Ever.

I decided to blog 2011. It's something I've been toying around with for a while. I mean, I'm pretty funny, and not just to myself. People actually laugh at things I say. But I want my blog to be serious. I need to lose 20 pounds. And I want you to come on my journey with me. Do you have to lose weight too? Nah. Audience participation isn't required. Unless you want to. My plan for this year is to drop this 20 pounds, firm up the jiggly spots, share my strange dates with you. And I do have strange dates. The sub-plan for this year is to get past the first date, more on that later. Oh, and to show you my shoes. Shoes I want, shoes I can't afford, shoes I wish I never had... you know, girl shit. And I do say shit... a lot. Thank you for joining me. This is gonna be fun :)