I really miss my mom today.
I woke up about an hour earlier than usual because I had a really bad dream. My first thought when I woke up was my mom. I immediately started to cry. I remembered how she would come in my room when I’d be screaming from having a nightmare and ask me what happened. I remember her holding me and stroking my hair, telling me everything would be fine, that it was just a bad dream, and it’s over now.
Some days are better than others. I miss her most around my birthday and her favorite holiday, Christmas. I thought I’d make it through this birthday without that familiar pang that she wasn’t here. I was wrong.
I sometimes wonder how things would be different if she were still here. My mom was a very outspoken person. For those of you who know me, my big voice would shrink in her presence. She was so smart, opinionated, beautiful, kind, and mine.
I feel cheated because I didn’t get close to her until I was pregnant with my daughter. She finally allowed me into her kitchen because she said I finally needed to learn how to cook. My left handedness kept me out as a child because I bumped into her or got on her nerves using knives backwards. I didn’t care. All I ever wanted to do was read a book anyway. Our times in the kitchen were fun. She taught me the basics, and told me since I loved to read that I shouldn’t mind adding some cookbooks to my repertoire. That year, she gave me the Cooking Bible. Her copy of Better Homes and Garden’s Cookbook. She had some sections dog eared, some sections she wrote in, and some had stars next to them. The recipes with stars are the ones that stand out because I remember her cooking them when I was a kid.
I rarely pull that cookbook out because of the memories, but I think I will tonight. I need to do something to feel close to her today.