Birthday? Who's birthday?

Life will make you nuts. Seriously. If you think about it, your interactions with people on a daily basis could in fact drive you crazy if you allow their ways to seep into your psyche.

Anyway, hi. It's been a while. I'm trying to get better with the blog stuff. But I am a work in progress. I have a big birthday coming up soon, and I am not excited about it. Not even a little. Actually, I wish I could just skip over that day all together. I'm not one of those people that are in love with their birthday. I know people who are, and they are some of the most annoying people on the planet. I won't name names, because they read my blog, but I have made it clear to them that their countdowns, gift hints, texts, emails, phone calls, and all the other annoying shit they do is judged. Heavily and harshly. Don't get me wrong, I know its coming, I'd just be cool if it didn't. Why, you ask? Several reasons.

1) I was born on Good Friday. Which means my birthday is around Easter. There have been years where my birthday has actually been on Easter Sunday. Who can compete with a man rising from the dead? Especially a man named Jesus!

2) I'm old. Just not old enough to have a family celebration for my birthday. I'm in those middle aged years where lives are far too busy to celebrate birthdays. That shit gets old around 30 until around 70. Then its more of a "Damn, this bitch is still alive? Lets buy her a cake!" type celebration.

 3) I'm single. Yeah, yeah. Allladis *bodyrolls* is single. Last birthday I had with a S/O, I told him I wanted to go to my favorite restaurant. He proceeded to tell me that he hated that place, so we ended up at Joe's Crab Shack. I wore a fucking plastic bib that said "I got crabs" on my birthday. I was not amused.

4) I have a kid about to go off to college. I have other things I need to be spending my money on. Shoot.

5) My mom was big on birthdays. This will be my 15th without her watching me wear a turtleneck and reenact my birth and making me spaghetti and chicken wings. No, this is not me asking for someone to make me spaghetti and chicken wings for my birthday. But if I get drunk enough, I could do that birth thing. It's pretty funny.

I guess My point is this: Regardless of the birthday, I'm finally learning how to celebrate life. Every day is my birthday. There's nothing special about that one particular day. I wake up every day with a song in my spirit, a smile on my face, and a dog at my feet. Someone has to take him out. May as well be me.

Me and my big mouth.

Well, well, well. We meet again. Here's the part where I say I'm going to blog every day. So I'm not going to say that this time. But I will say that I will try to blog at least once a week. You see, I've started a new project. I'm building a couch. Not like the type you would find at a furniture store, but one made from pallets. Don't ask  me why. I can't tell you. What I can tell you is that I've never built anything in my life. So this will be an experience. I have a few reasons as to why I want to do this. I'll go into details more as I blog. For now, just know that I feel like this is something I need to do.

So far, I've gotten one pallet. Said pallet has six planks. I sanded 2 planks. By hand. I got a splinter. So I'm getting a hand sander. Wait, I did buy pillows. That was exciting... No, really. It was. Stop laughing at me,

Totally off the subject, a rapper named Kendrick Lamar had one of the most unexpected rap verses in history leaked today. I found it interesting and very necessary. I consider myself an old school rap aficionada. I like the word play rappers used when hip hop was still fresh and new. That's been lost for so long in the whole "I woke up in a new Bugatti with a big booty ho" rap lyrics of today. A lot of folks are up in arms about Kendrick saying he was the "King of New York". Those people are not real hip hop fans. You see, hip hop was all about being the best. Telling the world you were the best on wax, and daring anyone to try to take your title. Special Ed began one of his biggest hits with, "I'm your idol. Your highest title. Numero uno". Now if that's not saying he's the best, then what is? I used Special Ed as an example because he wasn't the best rapper ever. But he thought he was. People get so caught up in titles, they forgot that hip hop was a place to brag on yourself, not cars, clothes, shoes, bitches, money, etc. But your own skills. Turning what some see as nothing into something.

Kinda what I want to do with this couch...

Valentine's Day. It Blows.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

People are crazy

So last night, I was fininshing up some work. At 12:50, some lunatic crazy black man knocked on my door. The Chaiken went ape shit crazy, and I damn near peed my pants. This nut knocked on my door to tell me he ran out of gas. Now at 12:50 AM, I had no business being up anyway. I was actually on my way to bed. He scared the living shit out of me. I peeked at the door and got mad. How dare you knock on my damn door. What in the hell is your problem? And furthermore, do you expect me to open it for you? I guess I watch too much Discovery ID, because all I could think of was who would be my voice in the episode about my death. Then, I got mad. The ghost of Bernie Mac entered my body. A barrage of profanity came streaming out of my mouth. Not like that's different from any other day, this was special. It was like that scene out of Soul Men. You know the one, Where Bernie Mac called Samuel L. Jackson a "Possum faced Motha Fuuucka"? I think I said everything BUT that. Well, my scary ass called Keira, my BFF, and then the PoPo. Because Keira could get to me from Arizona before the police could.  Well anyway, after I stopped shaking, about two hours later, I was able to drift off to sleep.

But this blog isnt about my near death experience, its about my weight. And I am happy to announce that I am down 7 pounds! But my fat ass wanted to celebrate by going to Popeyes... I didnt though. I did good. I had a big huge salad! YAY ME!

Now run and tell that... home BOY!

Jillian Michaels is a demon, and I can prove it.

Currently playing: Lucifer, by Jay-Z and Fuck You, By Ceelo Green.

Ok, so maybe I fell off the wagon a little bit. And maybe I haven’t been eating as healthy as I could have been. And maybe, just maybe I’ve slacked off on my workouts some. Still, there is no reason for Jillian Michaels to be as evil as she is.

I bought her 30 Day Shred DVD last night because I know I haven’t been on my game like I had been in the first week of my diet. I weighed myself yesterday, and I discovered I gained 4 pounds. This did not please me in any way. I was depressed for the rest of the night. But, it was the kick in the pants I needed to get back on the ball. So I got up this morning, and popped the DVD in. From the moment the camera got on her, I didn’t like the look in her eyes. It was slightly demonic. I could tell my ass would soon be grass. Now don’t get me wrong, it was exactly what I needed. But why, Jesus? Why? And it didn’t help that the entire time my stomach was moving. What part of the game is that? My stomach doesn’t move. Last time I had a belly, there was a baby in it.

Now, on to my proof abut Jillian. I mean, you could see the elation in her face as she was sending me through a series of various cardio exercises. She looked a little too happy. I can only think of one cardio activity that makes me giddy, and believe me, crunches are not involved. She liked it too much.  But I guess the overall goal is to help me get fit, and eventually enjoy exercising as much as her evil ass does. Grr. I’ll be on it again tomorrow. Bitch.

Fat Girls Finish Last... Because they're out of breath.

I was told I looked skinnier today. My inner bitch said, “Ya damn right, I do!” But the insecure me, the part that still doesn’t think I can do it, almost started to cry. I mean, I’m not what would be considered obese, but in my mind’s eye, I’m a whale.  I have to admit though, it’s getting easier. I’m nowhere near as hungry as I was on Monday, and its only Thursday.  Looks as if I’m averaging about 1333 calories per day. Which is less than my 1500 to lose a pound a week without exercise. And I’ll be perfectly honest with you, writing down everything I eat does help. I find myself doing calculations in my head… lol! It’s hilarious. I’m making smarter choices. And I have to give a shout out to Fresh & Easy. They’ve made it easier for me to make better choices. They have an entire line of ready-made salads and low calorie meals that actually taste good!

The one thing I need to learn to do is to make sure I’m getting enough protein. Lack of protein is what makes you hungry. I also want to point out that my only “Low Calorie” meals are my lunches. I eat regular stuff for breakfast and dinner. I have made some modifications. Instead of regular milk, I got almond milk. It only has 90 calories in a 1 cup serving. I have the vanilla flavored, I like the taste a lot better than the regular.

Oh, my calorie count for the past two days? Tuesday it was 1426, Wednesday it was 1376. Once I complete the week, I’ll post a copy of my spreadsheet so you all can see exactly what I’m eating.

I just realized this post isn’t as snarky as usual… lol. It’s in me, but I think the snarky me is pissed because she’s hungry. Oh well, build a bridge and get over it, I say.

Why Can't Cookies Be Low Calorie?

That is what I will ask Jesus when I make it to heaven. I mean, they’re soft, chewy, and perfect little balls of baked awesomeness. Why can’t they also be good for you?

So anyway, I worked out last night. I did 30 minutes of cardio on my Xbox Kinect Dance Central game. And before you laugh at me, that workout kicked my butt! You’re literally dancing. Not like dancing like you do at the club, all cute trying not to sweat, but dancing like you’re a student in Fame or Glee or something. The cool thing is the game has a workout mode, so it counts how many calories you burned while you’re going. The only complaint I have is the fact that there isn’t like a set workout. It still goes from song to song, which is cool, but it would be so much better if there was a way to set how long you wanted to work out, and it just take you through various high energy songs on the play list. Other than that, it was a serious workout and I was sweating like a sinner in church. I was going to try P90X, but I’m still a beginner in this game called getting fit. Baby Steps. I’ll get there, give me some time.

Total Calories for 1/3/11: 1216

Yes, I’m well on my way J. Á Demain.